for the first time in more than one and a half years since the big thing happened, (okay, maybe excluding times i quarrelled with my mum, and when my colleague passed away), i actually came close to tears.

and it wasn't even over a guy or silly soap operas, it was about books.

and the sotong told herself a hundred and one times after the big thing happened that she's strong and she's gonna be independent and she's not gonna crumple so easily. and for more than one and a half yr she actually successfully semi-repressed the unhappy stuff (except on occassions when the gorilla irritatingly reminded her), took the stresful stuff with a pinch of salt, and went on with her life grinning sillyly at everyone else.

and no, she wasn't grinning for fun; she was seriously enjoying life, until....she started mugging like two months ago or sth. and she mugged and mugged and mugged, and she sucked and sucked and sucked, and she can't finish, even up til' now when's it's less than 48hours away from the paper, and there's still so much uncovered.

and Ah Gong, you can seriously stop feeling bad about it. =] that session seriously helped, although eating subway infront of me was seriously too much.. *sheepish look* aha. but after that, i just started to feel the tension building up..ANXIETY!! ahahas. but i guess without that session, the anxiety would still have came in one point or another. so don't worry about that! (though i dun tink you're reading anyway. aha)

but back to the point, i nearly broke down in tears right there. but somehow, after more than one and a half years, i find that i've lost my ability to cry even at such times when i seriously wish i could just cry and vent all my frustrations and anxiety.

instead, i can't even lash out my emotions the way i used to freely, more than 2 years ago. i used to cry on a regular basis since the moment i could cry, right up til' j2 or sth. even when i was in jc, i was still like crying at least once every 1or2 months or sth. so if you had known me before i came to uni, you would DEFINITELY have seen me cry before(sounds like julyn!! -_-'''). but if you've known me after uni, chances are you would have assumed that i'm tough in times of great emotional distress.

initially i was proud of my ability to get past the one and a half years so independently (and with the help of my dear friends of coz) and meaningfully. but today, when i tried not to cry and tried to cry all at the same time, the resolve crumbled.

the first person who came into my mind as usual didn't care two hoots, and the other person i called was expectedly, of not much help. and it was too late to call the rest, and i didn't know what to say to the two nice and understanding ppl looking at me with concern. so i solved it by how the ppl who attempted suicide solved their problem commonly - i escaped.

and i thought it was alright taking a break, and look for a outlet to express my dismal. but as i sit here typing, and as the entry gets longer and longer, my superego starts eating me up again.

but when i start flipping the books, the id reproaches me for not taking a break, and ego compromises by NOT absorbing anything i'm reading. i've such a screwed up ego that it oughta just land itself in the bin beside me.

i really need a hug now. but i can't find anyone in this miserable place to give me one.