when we were learning about suicide in abnormal psych, we were told that some ppl commit suicide after they gain insight about the state of physical/mental illness they were in. i didn't think much of that until we spoke to M at the talk today. i tried putting myself into his shoes, and it was horrible. being able to live life passionately hadn't occurred to me as a luxury; it was more like something that came to me naturally. but when i picture having the privilege seized away, i can no longer appreciate the existential meaning of life.

all the talk about D left me feeling rotten too. was reminded about the times of distress we both went thru' and how badly i treated you. everything fits into the puzzle perfectly, and suddenly i felt like one big rotten egg when i chose not to believe you. it was like *bham*; i left you fighting all alone when you needed me most. and what made me feel worse is that if life were rewinded now, i'm not sure if i dowan to make the same mistake again. it's not a matter of an eye for an eye; it's just a matter of not wanting to expose myself to vulnerability and hurt again in the midst of helping you coz i know i would falter.

back to the hot topic of why we all choose to major in psychology. as a budding teenager, i pictured myself saying the right words at the right time to end the horrible disputes my parents were having at that time. but when it all ended, and i grew old enough to notice all the unhappy ppl around me, i wanted to reach out and help. so i worked hard to pursue the dream, and you could literally picture me jumping about and screaming with the acceptance letter in my hand.

but after a year of slogging at my dream and unveiling the unglamness of it all, i'm not sure of what i want anymore. yes, i still want to help others; but i'm not sure if i'm willing to help others at the extent of making myself miserable. it's hard and i'm still learning to cope. like i pointed out earlier, the harshness of insight drove many to their graves. and i don't know if i have the threshold to continue discovering what cruelty and depressiveness the world and its ppl has to offer. i couldn't read newspapers coz they were too cruel; but learning about how another is sufferring an uncurable illness is worse. and just putting myself in the person's shoes alone drives me mad. insight - knowing too much of the truth hurts. coz you realise no matter how hard you try, you can never put things right.

learned helplessness and depressive realism. that's what i'm starting to feel strongly.

Gorilla (2007) claimed that "When Huiting isn't smiling or laughing, she isn't Huiting." but i can't smile at somebody who's not enjoying life but have to look like he does. i can't laugh knowing that there are so many fortune's fools out there who can't change the sorry state they are in no matter how hard they try.

sigh. it ain't even the time of the month yet!